- What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.
- “I stand corrected!” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
- I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
- Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for decades.
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.
- What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
- A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, “Do you want an aquarium?” The guy responds, “I don’t care what star sign it is!”
- What do you call bears with no ears? B–
- What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
- Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.
- And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
- What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack “darn” and a skydiver goes “darn” whack.
- They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now! Wait…
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- Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?” The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter!”
- I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
- Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
- Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
- Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know, and I don’t really care.
- What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
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This one made me smile more than I would have thought. 
And this one actually made me laugh out loud.
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Im just waiting for you guys to be active again so i can resume, taking the thread hostage is pointless if it is not active.
I hope you understand, given my 20 years of experience that Artic mocked so much.
unfortunately for you, your situation is pretty paradoxical given that the reason for you lolcatting as well as the thread being dead is because you are outted