RP Excerpts - Analysis

Roleplaying
#1

Greetings.

Have you ever typed in any of these and wonder why the GM misinterprets your action or you just… miss terribly.

I slash at the beast.
I kapow the opponent.
I fire fireball at the enemy.

Here’s a little guide to spice things up. Have you guys ever… tried being a tad bit more specific?

No, I’m not asking you to describe eastern training manuals in full detail, step by step. At least state the action that your character is going to take.

For example…
Elise had her staff on the ready; she held the staff with two hands, her left hand lower than her right hand, pointing the stick at the ground. Her body tensed up, ready for combat, her eyes fixed on her opponent. This was an honorable duel, and nothing less could waver her concentration at this moment. Her eyes blazed with a passion unlike the demure lady she was; for she had to win. She put all her weight on her left leg, before pushing out, dashing towards her opponent… using her right hand to smash the staff downwards on her foe.

So…
Type in a paragraph or two. I’ll be the judge. Major RPers can also write in to give more examples for people to follow.

5 Likes
#2

Post a Scenario and your paragraph. I’ll list out each and every mistake and how to improve your writing.

Or should I post a Scenario for you guys?

#3

Magnus held his trident with the double handed grip, the sharp end facing towards his enemy. Magnus leaped, bringing the end down quickly, aiming for the head.

What did I do wrong here?

1 Like
#4

Where was Magnus compared to the enemy? Was the enemy standing in front of Magnus? Or was he somewhere else? Either way, state your enemy’s location in lieu to your character’s location. (I made this mistake in my example as well). Also, this affects your double handed grip stance to a certain degree. If a person is behind you, is the sharp end of the trident by the hand that’s behind you too?

You leaped, but in no direction. Of course, one would assume its at the enemy, but the GM is free to assume otherwise. For all I know, some GMs can interpret your leaping as a jump upwards, and you do your next action in the air.

I don’t really know how your character stood like, so I can swipe either hid left or right leg and he’ll probably fall… due to the fact that you did not specify whether he was sturdy or not.

You mentioned the sharp end, but you did not specify which “end” your character brought down onto the foe. I can say that Magnus brought his blunt end onto the enemy, without repercussions and since you did not specify, there won’t be any way to rebuke it.

You did aim at least. For the head.

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#5

Btw, its not wrong, but you aren’t correct enough.

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#6

Let’s bring the best boy here

Dawa watched the silvered blade of the white slashing through Yukito as if the demon was made of butter. It didn’t matter if he was out of range, this was his fault. He was supposed to protect, he failed. End of it.
Ksiezyc left his cover to charge in the direction of the two, glancing the next blow of the soldier at the risk of losing his own sword, using the gained moment to put himself between the two, shield facing the woman. The sword, if still in hand, should be lowered and behind - the position is fully defensive.

#7

Kaboom. “Roast” incoming :3

Imma need to know the context (because this seems to be in the middle of a battle OR a surprise attack)

#8

I invented the context but it was supposed to be a reply, yep
A white is an inquisitor soldier, the scenario is ambiguous but it needs to be anywhere where cover for a big armoured guy makes sense
It is between the lines that the soldier attacked Yukito with a blade, making the position of the soldier and the cover predefined as of the previous reply.

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#9

I really love playing with those conditionals, doing something to put yourself at a better situation than before, but even this something comes with a cost (blocking the attack means that Yukito won’t be sliced in two parts, but it also means losing the weapon, but nevertheless losing a weapon is better than letting Yukito be killed).

1 Like
#10

The first paragraph dedicates itself to the emotions as he watched powerlessly as an action occured, which is beautiful in its own right. It shows off his style of speech as well, describing the character for our one dimensional readers… while that “End of it” did give a heavy impact onto the readers to the simple slash on his client…

The next paragraph dictates the next actions the soldier would take, raising his shield against the aggressor.

However, when it comes to that sword… try to emphasize how he would lose it. Maybe he struck his hand against the enemy sword as he tried to parry it? Often, you won’t have to attempt to anticipate the enemy’s action as in RPs, they’ll do one action at a time… unless you’re unleashing a combo attack…

About the Shield… Face it towards the guard, which I presume you’re protecting Yukihiko… Don’t face it towards the one you’re supposed to protect, you’ll just get backstabbed by the guard… (REDACT REDACT)

(I learnt something new today, a white - Inquisito Soldier? :3)

1 Like
#11

Yukito is a demon male. To avoid pronoun redundancy I conveniently made the soldier a female.
probably my fault on not specifying

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#12

That was only in the context of the rp
There were colour factions and the white belonged to the official army, which where inquisitors.

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#13

About Progression.

Even as Kaito took a swig from his gourd, he took out his tachi and he took his stance, his sword by his hip, its tip touching the ground, and his right hand holding on the handle by his left hip…
“Let’s have some fun!”
In one step, he had deftly traversed over 20 feet, twisting his body for a left overhead swing towards her neck.
“Hahaha!” He laughed, his eyes full of bloodlust as he swung, showing his white teeth.

What could a mere drunkard do? She, as the Vice Captain of Adiart stared in disbelief at the drunkard slowly got up, and took his stance.

“Hmph, this was a complete waste of-” Benihime continued, closing her eyes, but it wasn’t meant to be. The man she so belittled had closed the gap between them in the blink of an eye, and she saw the man’s eyes.
“?!” She could barely react to his attack, only having enough time to step backwards… and her chin was so deftly cut; it closed as it opened. She saw the man’s crazed expression, his laughter sending chills down her spine. No wonder the Captain respected him. She took up her sword, holding it with her left hand… bringing her sword handle right to her face, pointing at Kaito’s face.
“This is madness!” She replies in exasperation, her eyes darting around, studying the swordsman, now in full alert.

I forgot to tell you to show your character emotions…

2 Likes
#14

Ok I really liked this.
@Geyde I saw you typing three hours earlier. If you are not sleeping join the party.

#15

I saw Geyde typing too.
Was whats this picture and oooh

3 Likes
#16

Geyde went sleep
So irredemably rude

#17

@Reaper consider this a writing exercise
NOW SHINE BABE SHINE

1 Like
#18

It’s okay
No need to put a picture perfect one
Also I’m really biased towards my own posts so I can’t judge them, someone else would do good in digesting it and regurgitating out the contents

#19

About showing character emotions

Think of your character, what kind of character they are:
If the character is a laid back, carefree person without a real care in the world, he won’t be like “Yeah… I do understand your plight, and thus I shall grant you your freedom. Use it wisely.” He would more be “I’m letting you go, 'cause I feel like it, so go, Shoo!”

#20

Everyone who sees this. Write a response to this. A winner will be selected, who will help design one of the antagonist for the RP Academy! And you get a cookie.

(Those who are already in the RP will get to have a sneak peek on one of the antagonists already in the list.)

You play a character named Jura. He has a childhood friend, named Suzuha. They aren’t exactly on the best of terms, but they’ve made do. Suzuha has always been a fun-loving woman, that gets on Jura’s nerves all the time. She always is cheerful, without a care in the world. Or at least, that’s how Jura always saw her. She lives next door… And one day, as you were about to go out, you see her by your porch, half-conscious.

The streets were dimly lit. The atmosphere was heavy, and the woman grit her teeth. Each step was heavy, and her vision was blurring. She, with hurried breathing, turned the corner, and stepped onto her porch. She attempted to open the door, but the door was already open.? There, was Jura… She didn’t want to see him, but her headache was killing her, and she fell to the ground, the world spinning around her. Every fibre of her being was burning, and she weakly protested…
“No…”

You are free to make AND state your assumptions as you go along. State all your assumptions before you write your excerpt.

1 Like